My novel has lost its structure. The plot has spiraled out of control and since its creation it was known as(at least to me), Finding the Cure, but even its name has changed. We started with Finding the Cure, not its tentative title is, The Seat of The Throne. I have penned 158 handwritten pages, which is the equivalent 157 paperback pages. My novel has reached 62,786 words and has taken more years of my life and me agonizing over this broken story than I would care to calculate. I’ve asked you all more than once to come along with me on one journey or another and the one I’ve had you along for the most is the adventure of writing this novel. Well I’m asking you along once more, but it’s going to be a little different this time. This is what this story has come to–
I don’t know what the percent of writers out there start a project, stay with it for years, and then completely decide that it just isn’t worth it. I don’t feel like part of any community that does that. Maybe because I just haven’t been looking for it or because nobody really talks about when they decide to no longer stay with a project they have put so much time and love towards.
I have found that it isn’t worth much to continue the project I have been working on for the better half of my writing life. The longer I try and force myself to continue the more I realize that I have no idea what or why I’m writing this anymore. The plot is more patchwork pulled from different sources than a coherent story line. I have no idea who the characters are even supposed to be, much less what they are even doing in each other’s lives.
So I’m locking it away (quite literally). Everything that has anything to do with this novel is being put in the vault. (Man now I wish I did actually have a vault to lock the remains in.) Everything from the hand drawn map of the world, to the brainstormed pages, to the outline, to the handwritten pages, to the printed pages. The journal where I started writing out the history of the world my novel is set in, to the journal I was using to write my whole journey as I wrote the book. The favorite parts of each chapter that I wrote on flash cards and placed on the story board. It’s all going away.
When I think back to early last year when I first told all of you about this project. I was optimistic and excited and ready to write this. You could hear it in every paragraph, in every word about how ready I was to start this project again since the first time I had given up on it when I was a young girl…
Here I am, a month into the story and the words and pages are mounting once more. I can feel the story reawakening… This is going to be an experience of a lifetime. And I’m hoping I can keep you all updates as my time with this exhumation continues.
It’s odd how so much can change in a year. How feeling once so strong could completely become something different entirely. All the reasons I gave regarding the story itself is only a fraction of why this is happening. Those were all true and they do play a big part. I would love to say that it’s because I don’t have time to write. That’s not all of it. The time I do have to write, even though it’s very small windows, I don’t take.
I don’t jump on the time I could use to write this novel because I’m not in love with this story anymore. I have no desire to write it. When I do try, I don’t have a good time. It’s become more like something I have to do than something I want to do. This is my second attempt at trying to write it and once again this has become the second time I’ve stopped writing it altogether. When writing that’s not how its supposed to be. Yes, you can hate what you are writing, or the process, but at the end of the day you are to feel utter jubilation for writing anything, for getting more of the story down, not upset and ill centered. My anxiety and stress have only risen lately because of how little I’ve been writing.
I’m not going to waste my time and energy on this project anymore. Writing wise, there is so much more I want to do. This blog, for instance, is one of them. I want to pay more attention to connecting with other writers and readers. I want to share my thoughts on writing and reading with you guys more. I want the time to be able to explore what others have to say. So, I’m going to keep posting up every week for my creative outlet. Another thing that I used to love doing and that I did every day was keep a personal diary. I don’t write in a diary anymore and my soul has yearned for that for a long time now. I think it’s high time I indulge a little. My diary will be the writing I do for myself again and not for anyone else. I think I have just fallen out of love with writing and I can’t stand for that to happen. I won’t let it become complete within me. So I’m going to focus on those two ways to keep writing and who knows… maybe in a month or two months I’ll be ready to pick up a larger project again.
So I invite all of you to help me mourn for this novel, for the characters that I will be abandoning, for the world that had yet to breathe. Hope with me that maybe sometime in the far future I could do something with this story as a whole or with the characters that will be stuck in an unfinished world. Help me move on to bigger and brighter things, things that will help uplift me once again. Deciding this could be the turning point. This may just be the door I needed to close so I could be lead onto the path that will lead me to my first published book. Nobody can know for sure. I can only stay strong and believe in that future.
Gallery: From Start to Finnish
Finding the Cure/The Seat of the Throne