Letters She Will Never Send

She, a shy girl, unsure of herself or other people, found herself in a whole new place. She knew not a soul or even how to interact with others very well. All she knew was that this is where it would all begin, without knowing what precisely would be started.

Shy and reserved she kept to herself, scanning the room full of people; simply watching who they were. She was new here, but that hardly mattered to them. The moment, the exact second her life changed forever came down to a pair of brown eyes meeting blue eyes with a hint of green.

Innocently, she had been scanning the room, taking in everybody and everything when their gazes met and precisely the same moment. The gaze was met and then held.

She knew not what to make of such a meeting, for nothing of its kind had ever crossed her being before. Her breath left her without her consent. The feeling could only be described as a heart string, her heart string had been yanked and stretched and she felt the most wrenching of sensations when she felt the string meet his and tie together. Her soul awakened and sang the most glorious of melodies because it recognized his. Recognized his soul without her knowing him. She felt all this in the seconds of their perceptual meeting.

It lasted but those second of their stare, but the moment that stare was broken the air returned to her lungs, but her heart still felt tied and her mind held only his face. She knew not his name or his story, but she could feel that their lives were now connected and that scared her beyond any fear she had ever known.

She was young and had never known such a feeling before. With only childhood crushes that had never gone any further than that as her only experience on matters of the heart, she did the only thing she could do, she ignored him, but that didn’t last for long.

The day she learned his name it branded itself on her heart, within every single space of her mind. Her soul treasured the sound and made the name part of itself. The looks she received from him were unlike anything she could never have imagined and they made her smile and her heart well with joy.

They talked and they laughed. They flirted and he gave hints, hints that even a well read girl like herself were unable to read. Her feelings were growing and growing fast. She didn’t know how to handle them,handle herself, what she was thinking, or even what she should say. She was lost with these feelings overruling her.

They messed up, a mistake that could never set them back on a path that lead them to each other. Before they had the chance to learn about the other, to become friends they became a couple, which at that age wasn’t much; the relationship didn’t hold enough ground.

It was over before it began. Hurt and confused she kept the feelings for him to herself. Years passed and they still shared those looks; the looks filled with sorrow, longing, hope and smiles. Once she told him how she felt and he wasn’t ready, brushed her off, but still have her those penetrating looks every day. She dreamed of him and what they would be.

As a young adult she did something stupid. She lied to him. She was no liar, but his was something the love and the dreams, the tears had drove her to do so. She lied and lead him on; a lie she told him about herself she will spend the rest of her life trying to take back, trying not to hate herself everyday for. Evan after he found out the truth and stayed civil towards her, civil but nothing else he still gave her those looks that burned into her soul and kept her hoping. She soon found a word for those looks; a word she will keep with her forever.

Now as an adult she still thinks his name everyday, at night while she sleeps her soul searches for his. The consequence leaving her feeling lost and empty. She still declares them soul mates even after over a year of silence between the two.

Every part of her calls out for him and so she writes to him. Not everyday and many of the letters hold the same words of love. When an event in her life occurs, when she is happy or sad, when she wants to inquire about his life, she writes him a letter.

She writes them with a broken heart, these letters bound in a book; letters he will never see or read. She writes those letters knowing she will never send them.

She writes to him of her love. She writes to him her regrets and apologies. She writes to tell him she hopes he is happy and to stay safe. It’s been three years of her letter writing. It started when they were still in school together. Three years and she knows she could never bring herself to stop writing to him anytime soon. Her soul doesn’t know how to let go. Her heart doesn’t want to, so for now she writes of him and she dreams of him, waiting of the day she is graced with seeing him, of talking to him once more.

She keeps her letters safe. It’s the only thing she has left of him. Over thirty letters she has written to him and still, even on paper, even when there is no chance of him ever reading them there is still something she has not been able to say. She knows not what words they would be or what meaning the will hold, so for now she keeps the book of letters, letters she will never send, close at hand.


Author: FountainPenHandwriting

I love to read, watch tv, write, play sports, listen to music. I'm pretty much an average person. I have an insanely large family, but I love them all. I started this blog to get me back into the habit of writing everyday which I stopped doing for many different reasons. I do try to live up to what I tell people and what I project into the world. I can't promise to be interesting, funny, or, yes, even creative, but here we go anyway.

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