An Old Poem

Originally Posted July 12, 2013

This is only day of two of my blogging career, but I already feel the creative juices flowing. I have a couple different things I’ll be sharing today and am even gearing up to start a long term…. well, hopefully a long term project.

So today I have decided to share an old poem of mine. Like I’ve stated before, I’m not very good at sharing my writing, at least not any of my personal writing. So I hope you like it. I wrote this when I was having one of my numerous blah days. But for all of you going through a tough time right now… remember back to all the things you have struggled to get through and realize that you made it through them to get to where you are now. Remember, do not count what is yet accomplished, but to keep track of everything you’ve already achieved.

Before It Gets Better  9/1/12

Grey clouds hang overhead,

with the promise of tears still left unshed.

It gives off the sense of forced calm,

but reality threatens to be a violent maelstrom.

Everything spiraling down,

lost to the world without a sound.

The clouds open and shed their tears,

the maelstrom dishes out the fears.

In a torrent they come,

but really it’s what’s left inside-

the pressure builds and you succumb.

The clouds remain holding its might,

and you try so hard to be alright.

Forgetting all you once held dear,

and trying to keep your heart clear.

You put on a smile and fake the day,

half hoping the clouds will go away.

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Author: FountainPenHandwriting

I love to read, watch tv, write, play sports, listen to music. I'm pretty much an average person. I have an insanely large family, but I love them all. I started this blog to get me back into the habit of writing everyday which I stopped doing for many different reasons. I do try to live up to what I tell people and what I project into the world. I can't promise to be interesting, funny, or, yes, even creative, but here we go anyway.

5 thoughts on “An Old Poem”

  1. Disclaimer: This is all my opinion and based on my own tastes and experience of poetry. Please feel free to ignore my suggestions and comments if they don’t work for you or if you happen to feel like it.

    I like how you tie the surroundings to the emotional turmoil you are experiencing.

    I like the image of the grey clouds giving a sense of “forced calm,” but the rhythm on that line and the next (thru violent maelstrom) feels a little forced. My suggestion would be to try a different word other than “reality” and this is only for the sake of smoothing out the rhythm. The meaning and imagery here is great. Or you might make those lines more about your inner struggle like “in your mind is a forced calm but your world is…”

    I love the next two lines:

    “Everything spiraling down,

    lost to the world without a sound.”

    You have some really nice imagery and alliteration/assonance with the n’s and ‘o’ sounds.

    “the maelstrom dishes out the fears.”

    I just really don’t like this line. The “dishes out” part sounds so… I don’t know. It is like you went from this epic poetic “lost to the world” part to a line that reminds me of a couple of teenagers getting into a fight and “dishing out” pain… That is just what I think of when I hear “dishing out.”

    “In a torrent they come,”

    I really like the metaphor of a torrent of fear.

    “but really it’s what’s left inside-”

    I am really not sure what you mean with this line.

    “the pressure builds and you succumb.”

    The pressure/weather system/emotional turmoil theme works really well I think.

    “The clouds remain holding its might,”

    Just a grammar point here you might want to change “its” to “their” otherwise the plurality of the clouds here is a little confusing.

    “and you try so hard to be alright.

    Forgetting all you once held dear,”

    I do not understand why you are “forgetting all you once held dear.” Are you trying not to remember what is important to you, because I think that that doesn’t work too well conceptually with the theme. I guess pushing everything out of your mind could be considered “forgetting” it. But “forgetting something” can also be forever. I guess the finality of the statement did not make a lot of sense to me. Why would the speaker of the poem forget “all” they once held dear?

    “and trying to keep your heart clear.

    You put on a smile and fake the day,

    half hoping the clouds will go away.”

    The only thing I would warn you about with strong end rhymes in couplet form is that sometimes these can feel a little trite. I am not saying that it necessarily hurt your poem, but I would suggest in your future writing you experiment with using more internal rhymes and different kinds of rhyme schemes to see what stylistically works well with the theme of the what you are writing.

    Overall I thought the poem was pretty good. There are a few spots where I think you could improve the rhythm by taking out a syllable or two. That’s about it. Thanks for visiting my blog.

    1. Thanks you so much for getting back to me on my poem. I truly appreciate it. I’ve had very little study in the art of poetry, but I do understand everything you are trying to get across.

      The poem is about depression, well, more specifically, my depression. I don’t know if you’ve ever struggled with depression, but the lines about forced calm, and the maelstrom is how quickly or deeply you feel when depressed, but are unable to show it because of everything else the depression is making you think or feel.

      In a torrent they come, was meant to direct your thinking not to fear, but to rain i guess… in that moment you can’t hold back and you cry. I know when I get my depression spells I hold back until I possibly can’t anymore. Also, it’s what’s left inside- that was up to the readers imagination.

      So are so many different meaning to some of these lines, but it all points back to depression. But I do see how it can be confusing. I’m looking forward to taking my poetry classes at university. Again thank you for all of your help.

  2. Actually, I have been through depression, and I really didn’t get “depression” as a theme of this poem. It sounded like sadness, grief, fear, and even anxiety. I guess I just experience depression very differently than that. When I have been depressed it seems like the whole world is caving in and even small problems are insurmountable. But I guess we all experience things differently. This poem actually reminded me of how I feel when I am trying to recover from grief, and I have finally made some headway but little things still set it off. For me that is very different from depression because when I am depressed it is hard to even get out of bed. I have trouble imagining myself faking it through a day of depression. Good luck with your poetry.

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